The Year of Keanu

Move over Jason MomoaThe interwebs are in love with Keanu Reeves and they’re totally going steady now — there’s no going back!
What can’t he do? He’s an artist. An activist. An apparent immortal. He’s a philanthropist. An entrepreneur. He’s giving, respectful and polite. He’s AMERICA’S SWEETHEART, and we can’t seem to get enough of him. News feeds right now are overflowing with Keanu being his sweet, honest-to-god self. When was the last time you heard of him getting bad press? The only thing I could find, after a thorough Google search, was people asking if he was a bad actor. Most of the responders/haters said “He’s just a limited actor.” It seems even his haters still have too much love for him to say anything completely negative. Keanu excretes pure, unadulterated awesomeness and this year is totally HIS year!!

What, I can only assume, started as a jest has snowballed into — well, Keanu being a thing now. Fans are petitioning to make him 2019 ‘Man of the Year.’ A lofty 200,000 signatures were set as the goal and currently over 171,000 people have signed. CRAZY! Well, actually, not that crazy given it is Keanu. So, if  ‘Man of the Year’ doesn’t pan out, we can always write him in on the Presidential ballot, right? Actually, please don’t. Keanu should not be president. 

Here’s why Keanu deserves ‘Man of the Year’

Keanu, stahhhp! You’re making me blush!

First, let’s blow through some of his many memorable projects from this year.

  • Lovable character in Toy Story 4: Keanu plays the voice of Duke Caboom in ‘Toy Story 4.’ Duke is an Evel Knievel, motorcycle riding stuntman action figure from the great, white north.
  • Dream Boyfriend: He starred in the Netflix movie ‘Always Be My Maybe’ with Ali Wong and Randall Park. I didn’t see it but the fiancé did and she gave it three out of four Riceballs, so it must have been pretty good. In the movie, Keanu plays an exaggerated character version of himself, similar to Neil Patrick Harris in the ‘Harold and Kumar’ flicks. 
  • Our Favorite Ass-Kicking Assassin: Back in May, the third installment of the ‘John Wick” series “Parabellum” premiered to a roaring success! So much so, that the fourth installment of the franchise was announced.
  • E3 Surprise: Keanu came out at E3 to announce that he, or his likeness at least, will be in the upcoming video game ‘Cyberpunk 2077.’ All you fanboys know damn well that you dropped a load in your collective pants when he walked out calling everyone breathtaking! The game looked awesome before but now I can’t wait to play it.
  • Blast from the Past: He’s now working with fellow co-star, Alex Winter, on new movie Bill and Ted 3: Face the Music. This is in pre- pre- pre- pre-production, and supposedly has been in the works for a long time. But with the buzz around Keanu right now, we may get a release date much sooner than we think.

He’s just a great human-being

Additionally, he’s praised by everybody under the sun for being a great example of the best human that could possibly be. For example, he’s very chivalrous when taking photos with women, specifically with fans and fellow celebrities. In countless images, he’s shown having perfect hand placement, ensuring that he respects their space and doesn’t make any physical contact. He’s such a gentleman.

I also came across a gem of a story about how he was on a commercial flight (that’s right, he also takes the bus and subway to go to and from places like us regular folks) from San Francisco to Los Angeles that was grounded due to mechanical problems in the middle of Bakersfield California. Apparently, this isn’t a cool place to get stranded. I always grew up thinking everywhere in California was beautiful and awesome like its coastal cities… L.A., San Fran and San Diego, but apparently not. Bakersfield is big into farming and agricultural stuff. He took it upon himself to find a way for he and his fellow travelers to complete the final 100 miles of their trip. Most celebrities wouldn’t even let us breathe the same air as them, let alone find us a way to our destination— and there’s footage to boot. In one video, Keanu addresses the logistics of the remainder of their trip. He explained what to do with luggage, and once they hit the road, he entertained them with fun factoids about Bakersfield and played some local country music on his iPhone. The trip ended with Keanu simply walking off towards a Carl’s Jr. parking lot. This guy.

There’s also this whole ice cream story that’s floating around. Supposedly, Keanu was off somewhere filming and on an off day went out to a movie matinee. Keanu approached the ticket box to buy a ticket, and when he bought his ticket the super-fan employee in the box tried giving him his employee discount. He knew Keanu would have to sign for it, which would allow him to obtain Keanu’s autograph. Keanu politely refused as he understood that ticket sales pay for his and other attendees’ salaries. So, Keanu felt obligated to pay full price and went off to enjoy his film. A short time later, the fan heard a knock at the door of the ticket booth and when he opened it, there was Keanu, standing there with an ice cream cone in one hand and a receipt in the other. The mega star gave the receipt to the employee and said something to the effect that it had just occurred to him that he was just trying to get his autograph and handed him a signed receipt. 

What’s not to like??

What celebrity does shit like he does? I mean, you hear about celebrities doing great things all the time in the media. But did you know that Keanu financially assists crew members when they’re strapped for cash? Did you know that he took pay cuts so more independent projects could be made? How about that he donates a ton of money to various charities without seeking attention for it? And that he gives up his seat to old folks and ladies on the bus or subway? Or that he’s super nice to homeless people? Or — my personal favorite — that there was this lady broken down on the side of the highway in L.A., and suddenly out of nowhere, a black Porsche pulled over. Out popped Keanu. He ends up giving the lady a lift home — fifty miles out of his way! Did you know about that??

You know what? SCREW YOU, JASON MOMOA! We have a new boo thang now and he knows how to treat us. (But feel free to win us back! We love a good fight for our love.)

Author: B.Dam

"... I'm a devious, degenerate; defender of the devil, shut down all trash compactors on the Detention Level!..."

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